It's funny how one day you can be the happiest you've ever been and the next, you are questioning where your life is headed. It is so hard losing something you had for so long. Especially something you thought you'd have forever. And to have it taken away so quickly like it didn't even matter is even worse. You'd think that a few months would be enough time to get over something, but you find yourself still thinking about it constantly, and having your moments. It's tiring. It's funny how you can think your life is going to turn out a certain way. You can be 99.9% sure, but then God decides, "Nope. I'm going to take you in this direction." and then you feel completely lost. Like your life has no direction, and you don't know which way is up. I know God has a plan. That's not the problem. I know that all I need to do is trust in Him, and know that He is leading me in the direction I need to go. I'd just like to feel SOME sort of direction.
I graduate in December. I have 9 hours left of school. and my mom makes a great point. I'm not excited about graduating. And I should be. I'm about to graduate from college. from the University of Texas, and instead of being excited, I'm almost dreading it. Why? Because I have NO idea what I'm going to do when that day comes. I feel like I have to figure it out soon, or else...well I don't know. And I know that most people will say, "Alex, you have time. No one knows exactly what they are going to do." But what people don't understand is I can't do ANYTHING with my degree. I have to go to grad school. But I don't want to. I don't want to go to school for another 2 years. At least right now. I don't know, I know it will all come together eventually, but it'd be nice to know at least a little something.
It's funny how when you're young and you see these 22 year olds, you think, wow they are so old, and they have it all figured out. I thought by 22, I'd feel 22. I don't feel the way I saw those 22 year olds as a young'n. I'm still considering the culinary school route. I just need to be 100% sure. It's not a decision that needs to be made lightly. I just feel like time is moving too quickly, but slowly at the same time.
It's also kind of amazing how you can feel so lonely, in such a huge world. Full of people.
I try to read this quote to make myself feel better:
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
- E.M. Forster
God has me. I just have to trust.
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